Did i unlock Advent?

There is mystery in the season of Advent that i feel should remain locked, or opened only just enough for us to peep through...  But i have felt some unravelling happening this Advent.  I have found questions at each spiral of unravelling rather than simple answers.

Midwinter, the Winter Solstice on 20th/21st December is a time for celebration, feasting and meeting friends and family.  We are at the shortest day, we have survived and now the days will get longer, the light stronger and new growth will emerge.  So why can't we be honest and recognise that this is what we are celebrating in December?  Why the pretence that it is a special holy time when for decades and longer people have simply indulged themselves and one another in festivities?  After all we know that Jesus was not born at this time of year and that many of the stories that have been passed down through the ages are myths (but no less "true" because of that !). 

My solution?  Celebrate the birth of Jesus throughout the year, wonder at the mystery of Mary and Joseph's journey as we travel through the year and admit that "Christmas" is something we need in the depths of winter to cheer us up, to give us the opportunity to give and receive, to visit family, to take time off work.

Advent, adventure, adventurous - i pray that 2010 will bring more unravelling, more questions, more openness and honesty and that i might have the courage to walk through each moment of it fully conscious and totally present.

This is the final blog entry for this blog.  Thank you for following!

"A Time of New Beginnings"

[Christmas Eve]

he shall be the one of peace (Micah 5:5)

For Alison

God trudged through snow
deep drifts like sand dunes
narrow paths cut by sheep
across vast landscapes
with barely a pause.

God arrived at Central
weighed up the delays,
offered to share a taxi
hailed one to Mount Florida

God was delivered
to the Victoria's main door
unwrapped, expectant
climbed the old wing's stair

God knocked at the door
i opened just a chink
and let Spirit slip through
swallowed her whole

God-in-me, Emmanuel
entered the hospital room
unencumbered by any doubt
we lay our hands upon our friend.

"Seeds of True Joy"

[December 23rd - Little Christmas Eve]

Today the reading is the Parable of the Sower from Luke chapter 8.  I confess that i can't make head nor tail of Merton's commentary on this which is taken from "Conjectures of the Guilty Bystander" (great title!).  I'm also uncomfortable with the parable.  It is a conundrum, a riddle.  The seed is first described as being the word of God and then as "the ones" who fall on either the path, the rock, thorns or soil.  Am i the bearer of God's word?  Following this analogy i think of Mary who hears and receives the divine message and ponders it in her heart (nurturing the seed).  She is the good soil and bears the fruit (making me think of "Jesus Christ the Apple Tree" - click on this link to see and hear Jesus Christ the Apple Tree - choir of Kings College Cambridge).

If seed falls on bare rock its brief life is joyous.  A bird consumes the seed and is nourished by it.  Or it passes through the bird's digestive system and has a rebirth, another opportunity to be planted. 

A seed in the thorns might be choked by stronger plants, might be led astray - this is the hardest place to be scattered i think but out of such circumstances some of our most inspirational people have thrived.

The seed that falls on the path might well be carried away on the sole of a shoe, on the belly or the tail of a creature.  But this need not be a bad thing.  What one sows, another one reaps.  The word of God travels and can be shared everywhere whether consciously (packet of seeds in the pocket) or unconsciously (caught on fur or clothing).

What is the word of God?

COMPASSION

From this

roots weave deep

fibres of interconnectedness

of love spreading

mostly unseen

below

the

surface

Up from this shoot

stems of hope

reaching ot

yearning

hoping

And from these stems

leaves

are open

hands of peace

and reconciliation

while

the

buds and

blossoms

shout

JOY

to

all.

"Our True Identity"

[22nd December]

Ephesians 2: "made us alive together with Christ", "by grace you have been saved"

The process of transformation is life-long but there are freeze-frames where the change is strong, poignant, remarkable.

Today a client came with held breath as she fought back tears yet as she allowed herself to settle in the space she seemed to regain focus just enough to enjoy reflecting on some of her journey to becoming.  We talked about the solstice marking a pivot point between old and new but that it was helpful to take some time to sit in a state of grace, not judging the past or setting expectations for the future but simply recognising oneself in the moment.

When i then became the client later in the day my therapist and i reflected on the year.  She asked me what i would change if i lived the year again.  I thought about this and then replied that i wouldn't necessarily choose to live it again but neither would i change any of it, it felt necessary and there have been some incredibly wonderful times as well.  It would almost be disrespectful to want to change what is.  I have learnt so much about myself and i hope and pray that, however raw i might feel, i am allowing myself to be made alive in the words of Ephesians, becoming more real (naturally the Velveteen Rabbit narrative leaps to mind!).

So what is my freeze-frame moment of the year?

Standing topless in the centre of the sand labyrinth Gail designed on a deserted stretch of beach near Tyninghame.  Hot currents of air blew across us every few minutes, magical, surprising, wonderful!  And that moment of "exposure"?  Amazingly liberating!

"Servant of Our Lady"

[21st December]

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year.

Merton had a moment of joyful revelation as he heard Genesis 21 read out.  It tells the story of Sarah having a child in her later years to Abraham, who was already 100!  "God has brought laughter for me; everyone who hears will laugh with me."

I believe in the God of Surprises, of Laughter, and of Joy.  Through the stories of Sarah, Elizabeth and Mary i am reminded not to put limits on divine action.  Their narratives recount pregnancy in unlikely circumstances, giving birth to life, the longed-for son, the child when considered too old, the pregnancy to a young unmarried virgin.  God-in-us becomes literal in the nativity, not longed-for, not "acceptable" but shocking, difficult.

Merton described himself as a Deacon, the special and personal deacon of Our Lady.  Sometimes God is too big, too awesome for me and at those times i find myself leaning on guides who are a bit smaller, humbler such as these women.  Perhaps, as a woman, i need to turn to a woman's narrative to connect.

Similarly i am drawn to be attentive to the season, the Midwinter Day that makes a distinct turning point, the shortest day, the least light available.  I need to pause, marvel at the turning of the planets, the cosmic dance that sees all our spirit guides whirling and laughing, glad to be part of this Winter Festival.

"Advent Optimisim"

[20th Dec]

In the Letter of James i am instructed to ask God for wisdom in faith, never doubting.  The passage ends:

"for the doubter, being double-minded and unstable in every way, must not expect to receive anything from the Lord"

Does this mean that the one who is certain, single-minded, stable in every way can expect to receive everything from the Lord?

i doubt,
my several minds
debate long into each night
Jewish scholars,  Buddhist monks
thrashing out the questions
until i am a shipwreck
stabilised by the rocks
on which i am thrown.

i expect,
further questions not replies
a moment's peace
for each hour's doubt
a fragment of certainty
in the midst of confusion.

"Seeds of Sorrow in the Story of Joy"

[19th Dec]

"the reflection of God's glory and the exact imprint of God's very being"  Hebrews 1

This is how the author of the Letter to the Hebrews describes the Christ Child.  I believe that we have all been invited to be a reflection of the Divine, each uniquely made with a sign of God-in-us.  So what makes Jesus a sharper reflection?  Perhaps it is that moment of clarity when those who studied the stars, those who studied the Scriptures, and those who held on to a pure and simple faith all turned their hearts to God as one and believed that it really was possible for Emmanuel to come.  Their humility brought into being the Christ Child who was born in the slums, lived in poverty and sowed seeds of joy in a sorrowing world.

Joy is not the face of a child
when an old man in red drops by
nor is it hands clapping
when the street is peppered with lights

Joy is that moment of Light,
of Revelation,
of God-in-me.

"The Bells of the Lord"

"there shall be inscribed on the bells of the horses, "Holy to the Lord""  Zechariah 14

As i sat on the train travelling across Scotland i considered how essential a bell is - to summon assistance, to give warning, to proclaim news, to announce the time.

With the land covered in snow, sound is muffled, roads are hidden, lambs lost, home cut off.  So a bell is essential!  But have we forgotten the art?  Would we know what to ring?  Would we comprehend what we hear and respond?

"He is Born to Us"

[17th December]

God is born anew
twinkle in a parent's eye
grace incarnate.

That of God in everyone
divine spark
compassion
a moment's love
lifetime of hope

God is born anew
hesitation in a rushing world
hope to unloved

Emmanuel
God-in-us
be born anew in me.

"Giving without Strings"

[several days late posting this - 16th December entry]

It is so difficult not to keep track of some things and so easy to lose track of others!  Giving and receiving can so quickly become a tit-for-tat game, "keeping up with the Joneses" affair.  I struggle with this, as my blog readers know, worrying that someone will think less of me if i don't give a gift, reciprocate a card.  And yet i know that that's unimportant, that those who loe me don't keep track of my giving.  However my turmoil extends beyond, to charities, good causes.  I received an appeal letter in the name of Harris at my old address.  I thought "I should contact them and update my details".  Then i thought that i could simply ask them to stop mailing me and then i thought "But they'll think i don't care" and somehow, on some level, i seem to believe that the universe, God, will judge me.  Yes, despite what i say i believe, at the end of the day, i'm stuck in the trap of wanting to please and of "doing the right thing".  I am so grateful that i am surrounded by true friends who remind me of true worth.

"Tyranny of Noise"

The psalmist asks how long they will "assail a person...batter your victim" (Psalm 62).  When the noise around is so loud it is not so easy to do as the psalmist does "For God alone my soul waits in silence" or invite the Divine to "come with the refreshing silence of your peace" as Merton prays.

Silence is not simple the absence of noise any more than peace is the absence of war or health the absence of illness.  That is a negative definition, reductionist and simplistic.

In the midst of pain and of concern for two friends i found my moments of silence resting in divine peace when gazing at furled fern-tips in the glasshouses of the Botanics.

Focus came as i concentrated on a jewel-like water droplet on the tip of a leaf-hair and worship was held as we returned outside to marvel at the clouds in abstract patterns across the canvas above us.

The tyranny Merton refers to is idle chatter, "secular" Christmas seasons, shouting our demands louder than the next person.  Travelling through Advent with Mary i can't imagine she had much time for quiet reflection!  But nor do i think she spent time in idle chatter or shouting in the streets!  She surely  moaned occasionally about back pain, swollen ankles, odd cravings!  She also must have shed some tears of confusion and fear as she struggled to come to terms with her pregnancy, the angelic visitation and the reality of her situation.

For God alone my soul waits in silence, not always in an absence of noise, not always peace-filled...

unlocking me!

I'm running late on my blog entries, yesterday's being posted this morning and today's not having been done yet.  Distracted by pain i've hurpled physically and mentally through the day and spiritually been bemused.  What lesson can i take from this new pain?  What am i not addressing?  How does severe bursitis of the hip relate to my nutritional status, my spiritual life or anything else?  Just as in February when the doctors were asking me what accident i had just had that would have given me brachial neuritis now they're wondering the same about my hip.  I'm sure i would have remembered if i'd fallen from a height (or fallen at all for that matter!), participated in high-impact exercise or violent sport!

So the cocktail of drugs gets more complex though i did manage to steer clear of the GP who had sent a prescription for Tramadol to the pharmacy for me...  She was all for sending me to hospital for X-rays suspecting a stress fracture of the neck of the femur!  And this was the same doctor who had given me inappropriate advice in the summer.  Fortunately my guardian angel was alert today and suddenly a different GP was on the phone to me and taking over the case.

It's Gail's birthday tomorrow, Tuesday 15th and we should have been out for dinner tonight and off to Samye Ling tomorrow.  At least i managed to get flowers for her and i'm here not in hospital or in the States as i was last year!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAIL - YOU ARE A STAR!

"Outside the Law"

Who chooses law over grace?

If i sit outside the law, perhaps this is my choice

Grace only thrives in the presence of love, compassion and hope

She lifts me over the fence

and sets me down beyond my limited horizons

and i choose to trust her purpose

(though i quake at times and hesitate!)

Having written this my journal-writing took a rather different turn!  Preparing for an Ethics exam dominates my thinking...

Kant reckoned duty was the answer, causing Aquinas to turn in his grave;
Luther raged and longed for freedom centuries before Bonhoeffer died to liberate Jews.
And Barth too was a political beast which reminds me of Milbank
with his Five Marks of the Beast and Fives Notes of Grace.
He's the baby of this eclectic bunch - younger than Sen, Hauerwas and Nussbaum,
younger even than O'Donovan and Cahill - but these living writers and thinkers owe much to the past
(though they don't always acknowledge their sources)
Nussbaum swoons over Aristotle, Hauerwas weaves threads with literature and oration,
Cahill wears badges of Catholic Social Thought and a watery brand of feminism
whilst Alasdair Macintyre belongs to the living tapestry, writing of virtue, desire and belonging.

"Great Joy"

A cold, foggy morning accompanied me as i trudged along the road with my books on my back.  I was passing the entrance to a rather neglected graveyard (or rather, neglected by the Council but much appreciated by the folk who sleep there, take shelter and seek solace!) and i had to stop and turn back to marvel at the awesome cobwebs laced across the ironwork of the gates.  I photographed them and noticed with amusement that drivers passing in their cars were looking to see what i was seeing but failing because they were travelling too fast and the threads of the cobwebs too fine.

I wonder if i might make a connection with the Nativity.  How many people missed the opportunity to pay homage to the baby Jesus because they were expecting their king to look a bit more impressive?  And how often did Mary find herself giving up trying to explain to someone how she came to be pregnant and who the father was and what the baby was going to become?! 

I was lost in awe at the humble cobwebs and the experience helped me through another day of revising.  Others missed this precious moment and continued harrassed in their cars, spending too much money, buying to keep up with demand, losing sight of the story.  Without the Nativity there would be no Christmas but without the ancient festival celebrating the Winter Solstice we would lose much of our narrative.  We need to weave together the threads of nature and divine, of body, mind and spirit.

O Great Weaver of Cobwebs
bring me to my knees in wonder
stretch me on to my toes in awe
may i see You in all that is within me, around me and beyond me.

"This is God's Work"

"We are the clay and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand"  Isaiah 64:8

This is a special verse for me.  It was given to me by Sister Elizabeth who was my spiritual director for an Ignatian Retreat in Daily Life which i undertook at St Andrews over 20 years ago.  But while it was offered to me for contemplation to help me with self-acceptance, love and care the previous verses speak of us being unclean, filthy.  And Merton's prayer for today begins:

"Artist-King, you who created us from impure clay..."

If we believe that all is created is made by the Divine Artist how can the clay be impure?  We are uniquely shaped and so have the fingerprint of God on our very being.  All that we do is God's work whether we  are a sturdy brick, a fine tea-cup or a broken roof-tile.

I struggle to accept who i am, particularly body and mind.  I long for greater self-acceptance but it's as if i have been created as a plate and i want to be a cup!

Part of my preparation for the rebirth of the Divine this Christmas is to practice being, being present.

I learnt a new word today - parousia.  It was used in an essay on ethics to refer to the Second Coming.  On doing a bit of research i found out that it is Greek for presence from parousa, the feminine present participle of pareinai, to be present.  And its other use is to refer to ADVENT.  I long for Parousia, for embodiment, for peace.

"Love and Forgiveness"

Today's reading is from Luke and relates the story of a "sinful" woman anointing Jesus' feet with her tears and with oil and then drying his feet with her hair.  Merton assumes this is Mary Magdalen and i am happy to go with this!  Mary M was an apostle, a follower of Jesus, utterly devoted to him and passionate about his way of life.  Loving him as much as she did caused her great anguish as she could foresee where it would all end.

The story transports me to the side chapel of Alnmouth Friary where Brother Luke and one of the ordained friars anointed me with oil.  I had been traumatised by an experience a few years' earlier when on a Christian Union retreat.  J John, well-known evangelist, was our retreat leader.  He held a healing service during which he invited folk to pray over one another.  The noise and the conflicting energies in the room became intolerable and i left.  He pursued me, got me to write down my sins, read them back to me, prayed over me in tongues with no interpretation and then told me to tear up the list.  At the time i allowed myself to be carried along by his charisma but i felt abused, dirty, defiled.  Was this how Mary Magdalen felt before meeting Jesus?
When i finally shared this at the friary i felt listened to, respected and cared for.  The prayer and the anointing were simple, private and beautiful.  These friars offered me a ritual.  They became both the woman anointing Jesus as well as Jesus offering forgiveness.  There was no ego involved.  I did not feel i owed them anything in return.  I felt cleansed and also honoured.

The other memory that comes up for me is being at a weekend worship event in early 2008.  I found myself sobbing but knowing that the tears were not my own.  I felt led to support someone who was very troubled, hurt and grieving.  As i sat holding her while she sobbed her tears became a healing balm for me.
A beautiful healing service was going on around us and i asked her if i could anoint her.  She accepted.  A short time later someone anointed me, unobtrusively, lovingly, respectfully.

Love and forgiveness are not events but part of the process of living - as necessary as breathing.

Mary the "Royal Way"

Today, during my time of revising in the library, i discovered more about Merton.  A convert to Catholicism from the Church of England he was interested in other faiths and life paths, particularly Hinduism and Zen Buddhism.  He had a love of jazz music and of writing.  Having become a Cistercian monk he continued writing whenever the opportunity arose.  He was ordained as a priest.  Following problems with his back he underwent surgery and, during convalescence in hospital became friendly with a student nurse assigned to his care.  Although technically remaining celibate they had a close relationship and his romantic correspondence with her was published. 
Merton died in his 50s after being electrocuted by a faultily-wired electric fan in Bangkok.  He was stepping out of a bath and accidentally touched the fan.
I found myself chuckling inwardly when i read this.  It was a tragic event but somehow there was a comic element to it.

In today's reading Merton uses a passage from the Apocryphal Book of Judith.  It refers to Judith anointing "her face with perfume" and putting on a tiara and linen gown to "beguile" the Assyrian.  The passage ends with this man having a sword thrust through his neck.

Merton relates this to Mary, the Royal Daughter of David and prays that we might be beguiled with her beauty and trust God's will.  Dare i say only a straight man would have written this?!

Do i need to be beguiled, seduced in order to embrace and trust God?  The seductive charm of a dawn or dusk might lead me to turn my heart and soul to the Divine but these are two brief episodes in a day.  That which is divine is revealed not just in the obvious, the adorned, the seductive but in the starkness of bare tree branches, the smile of a stranger, a lone swan on the canal, the workings of the human body, the creative nature of the mind, the capacity of the universe to tolerate our constant abuses of her.

I want to find ways to let go of bitterness and transform that energy into working for justice and i desire to be valued as a human being rather than only noticed if i dress to kill (Judith did this literally, and Mary - in what way is she being compared to Judith?  Help me understand dear reader!)

"A Woman Clothed in Light"

The woman, this being Advent, is of course Mary.  Merton, and Catholic tradition with him, holds Mary as central to faith and to devotion.  For Merton this necessitates Mary being "empty of all egotism, free from all sin".  He goes on to describe her as being pure as the glass of a very clean window that has no other function than to admit the light of the sun"!!!  Okay, the gloves are off!  Mary was human, as imperfect as you and me, naive, poor, and with a LOT more to offer the world than simply being a vessel to let the Son into the world!  Glass has several functions as a window.  It lets light and heat in, keeps wind and cold out, and acts as security, as well as providing us with, if we are fortunate, a wonderful view on the world.  The more highly polished it is the more dangerous it can be.  In fact, funnily enough, i found myself using this "very clean glass" analogy in a blog response the other day to make the very point that a very clean window can cause real damage if you don't know it's there.  Follow this link to read the original blog and then my response which is the fourth one down i think:
http://contemplative-scholar.blogspot.com/2009/10/difficult-students.html
He's a Quaker teacher in a small college in the States i think.

Why do we need our saints, our mentors, to be perfect?  Why does it lessen the message of the Christmas story to have Mary be utterly human?  For me i am reassured, strengthened, vitalised by the complete humanity of all the saints, the "holy" folk of ages past and present.  They give me hope!

"The Three Advents"

St Bernard wrote about three Advents - Jesus being born into humanity, Jesus-with-us in our everyday life, and Jesus' ultimate return at the End of Days.

This middle Advent is my focus today.  I witnessed Emmanuel, God-with-us, Jesus embodied in human flesh, as i stood and listened to Sir Tom Farmer speaking at the Light a Light ceremony for St Columba's Hospice tonight.  He spoke about hope, about each of the lights on the tree being an angel, as well as a memory.  He called us to celebrate and to remember, to give thanks and to feel our grief. 

As the rain continued to pour down on us he told us that without the showers we wouldn't have the flowers!  Without the darkness we wouldn't see the lights.  And without the absence of love would we recognise love when we saw it?  Not sure.  I know i need love and hope and reassurance in my life but unless i am bereft of it perhaps i am not grateful to those who offer me signs, waymarkers.

Tonight i give thanks that my friend had Emmanuel as her surgeon's assistant, that our prayers and desires brought her through the surgery and the anaesthetic, and that she will be home with her family tomorrow.

Blessed Be!

"Correcting the Sinner"

1963 is the year that today's extract was written - the book "Life and Holiness".  The language is both of its time and also reflects Merton's setting in a Cistercian monastery.  He writes of correcting, shortcomings, moral disorders and rebellious zeal. 

Does being a Christian provide us with a licence to behave in a way that suggests that we are better than non-Christians?  Is society right to expect better behaviour from a Christian?  According to Merton (and Aquinas, Augustine, Luther, and others) Christian moral duty must have concern for the glory of God at its core for it to "count" or, as Merton puts it, "so that we may not fail to be invited to Your eternal banquet."

How do i recognise the presence of the Divine as Mary did without seeking it out (acting only because i'm looking for that precious invitation)?  There are conflicting views on this within the New Testament.  Jesus tells stories of, for example, the Good Samaritan to illustrate that it is the act of compassion, love, charity that brings us closer to Heaven rather than the following of any rule book or any particular religion; he would not hesitate to heal someone regardless of the day of the week.  But Paul, try ing to get the early Church up and running, is keen to get believers wearing their badges publicly so that non- (or un-) believers see how they behave and want to sign up.

The "burden" is that yes, people do generally expect "better" from Christians.  Our dinner host today told us about a wedding that they had been at as photographers.  The parents of the bride had been rude, unhelpful, condescending even.  As our host put it "unChristian".  Perhaps they would have behaved even worse had they not been Christian?  Hardly an excuse.  These were supposedly educated people, the man an ordained minister, and they acted without common decency, let alone a "sincere and humble concern for truth and for the glory of God's church" (Merton).

It's so easy to fall into judging others.  I will try, as Merton prays, to have:

"radical honesty and appropriate sensitivity".  I will try also to work "to heal at least one wound this Advent."

"Worthy Beacons"

...the fruit of the light is found in all that is good and right and true..."  Ephesians 5

What an odd concept - fruit of the light!  Is it simply a mixed metaphor?
If i put a lighthouse in the wrong place a ship could come to grief on the rocks.  Similarly if people have learnt to trust me, to follow my advice, to take a risk then it is my duty, my responsibility, to be worthy of that trust, not to shine my torch on uneven ground and tell them to tread boldly across it.
That doesn't seem difficult to me.  I can't think why i would want to act in an unworthy manner.  However Merton also talks about being "a light to ourselves".  Now that's another matter altogether.  I veer sharply from shining a 200-watt lightbulb unshaded on myself critically and blindingly through to putting myself completely in the shade, hoping that if i place a bright yet kind beacon for others' benefit they won't notice my darkness, unworthiness, my story.

Merton's prayer is that we might be "released from our obsession with our own egos and our own story".  I am troubled by this.  We, as human beings and becomings, are created holy, divine, God's dwelling place.  Therefore i would be somewhat happier with praying that we might be:

released to fulfil our potential as self and as community, and to share all our stories that we might learn, grow, and remember.

"Called Out Of Darkness"

"Arise, shine"

So, having woken up, i am now called to get up.  But not just that, no!  I am also to SHINE!
Today i was up at 06.10 but not exactly shining...
When speaking with a person begging on the streets what is my motivation?  To show compassion, to identify with the marginalised, to be Christ's body in the world, to earn spiritual brownie points?  I can only say that i act on impulse, i follow the inner voice and ignore the whispers of caution.
I am rather uncomfortable with the idea that if i, in Merton's words, "aid the poor, comfort the sad and lonely" because that is my moral duty, my Christian calling, this is somehow better, more worthy than if i act from a tug on my heart, a desire to reach out, to make a difference without regard for anything above or beyond.

"Going Forth to Christ"

"May we unveil the mystery of Christ-with-us" Thomas Merton

The Kingdom of Heaven is imminent, available here and now.  If i am working towards any goal may it be to reveal that of God in myself and to learn to recognise that of God in all people bar none.

I know you might be surprised at my use of the term "Kingdom" but i am trying to relax my grip on the truncheon of pc language!  Instead i wish to adapt, be flexible, and recognise the tradition, the narratives that shape my life. 

The Presence within me needs to be unwrapped like a present in a game of Pass the Parcel.  As i am unwrapped, layer by layer, there will be little gifts and yet also at times little forfeits.  Am i willing to play the game?  To go forth to Christ and discover the new realm of God here and now?  Or do i prefer to play safe, playing Sleeping Lions instead?

God's new realm, God's kingdom, Heaven is life in community - in harmony (not playing the same note but making a pleasant sound!), in hope and in wonder.

"In the Midst of His Love and Mercy"

Easy for me to begin by saying that "His" could also be "Her" or simply "God's" but i will not change what Merton has written and will try to respect his writing!

Somehow this day was consumed with much doing and little being...worrying about all that i needed to do left no space for being and inevitably the doing i did manage was less than well-focussed on my studies.  Now what was it i wrote yesterday?!

Lamentations reminds me that God's steadfast love never ceases and further that God does not willingly afflict or grieve anyone (chapter 3).  If i keep my being directed towards God there is hope no matter my despair.

In the midst of anxiety
breathe Your calm on me
As i rush from one thing to another
bring me to a pause - Selah!
When i worry about others' health
send Your Spirit to hold and heal.

"Awake You Sleepers"

I feel as if i've been snoozing, drifting in a semi-conscious haze, never quite waking, never quite sleeping.  I dare not "switch off" yet never quite fully alert.
What am i talking about?  My sacred self, my spiritual life.  Since leaving MCC Edinburgh there has been a hiatus, sometimes painful as a hernia, sometimes blissfully calm and peaceful.  From a regular time of community worship which i was often responsible for creating and leading suddenly there was nothing.  I stopped any form of daily contemplation other than occasionally listening to the day's "Pray As You Go" and i enjoyed having weekends back in my life!  But i wasn't settled.  I finally got myself along the road to Meeting for Worship a few times and, once my course at New College began, i realised that my sacred self was actually fairly alive and well, just a bit dazed and confused.

As part of my coming to full consciousness again and yet hopefully in a new way i am keeping a daily journal through Advent and will blog as often as i can as a form of commitment to myself and to you.

I am reading "Advent and Christmas" by Thomas Merton and the title for each day will be used as the title for the blog in the hope that i will blog daily...  You may have noticed that this is being written on December 4th though so this might not actually be achievable but it is my aim.  Revising needs to be my priority but, without tapping into the Source regularly, i know i will not remain awake and will instead, in the words of Merton, end up "sleeping at the switch" of my alarm clock.